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The Struggle is Real

Anxiety attacks are common for me. I get them a few times a week and sometimes I’m able to talk myself out of them without having to take a Xanax.  Xanax is great but I don’t like depending on it, and lately I have been.  I feel one coming on and based on the triggers, I know it’s easier to just pop a pill and the reaction might not be so bad.

But lately my anxiety attacks have changed.  These new ones are more scary because I know their based off my real fears and demons.  I can get worked up over school or relay business, but the these new attacks stem from something so dark that I worry I’ll never pull myself out. I’m terrified of what is going through my mind.  I feel so alone that lately I’ve been relying on my imagination to get me though each day.  I know it can’t be normal or healthy for someone my age to have imaginary friends, but I do.  (On a different note I’m not worried about the healthy part.  I know I’m not healthy, I’m deeply mentally disturbed  and struggle every day with demons that have no face or place in my world where things should be just fine.)  In my mind I have friends I know I will never have.  I make up situations in my head to push me through the moment that I know will never ever happen.  It scares me more that I know these moments that fill my mind are blind hopes of a world its possible I will never know again.  

I don’t feel like I have friends anymore. I don’t feel like I can talk to the people I know anymore because no one will understand me.  I don’t even understand me, how could anyone else?  Even if they could, I’m too scared to tell them the truth, too scared to be honest because I don’t think it will change anything. I want to believe that things will get better, but will they?  I feel like I’m stuck in a life where I don’t deserve to be happy.  I don’t know if I even know how to be a genuinely happy person.  I’m not saying I’m never happy, it happens, but it’s a situational happy, it has limits and boundaries that I cannot see.  There are stipulations around my happiness that a based of what I have to give up to be in that kind of mood.  I lose part of myself each time and I never know what if I’ll get it back.

My biggest fear is that I’m not strong enough for this.  I’m not meant to deal with this in ways that other people are.  I’m weak and I need help, but I don’t know where to turn.  I feel so alone and it terrifies me.  I get these thoughts in my head that scare me. I know they are wrong and terrible thoughts to have, and that only makes it worse.  I’m scared that there’s going to be a day when I’m not strong enough to fight those thoughts and I’ll lose myself in ways I’ll never be able to gain back.  There are a million reasons for me to be happy, but it’s physically and mentally impossible for me to get there even though I want to so bad.  

I’m so tired of feeling like this.  I’m tired of crying nearly everyday over emotions I cannot control or understand why I feel them.  I’m feeling so many different things I don’t know how to address them properly.  Which has priority? Which is going to hurt me? Which is going weigh me down while others might lift me up.  I don’t want to feel like this anymore.  I want to be happy again.  I want to feel like I have people to talk to openly and honestly.  I don’t want to be alone anymore.  I don’t want to struggle with depression anymore.  

I want so many things but I fear that is all in vain, it’s something I will never have again.  What if this is as good as it gets.  Will I be able to keep moving through the motions to help the people that I love? Or is the real question if I even deserve to be happy again?

My biggest retreat is that I’m wasting time doing things that other people have told me are important. And yet I’m doing nothing that makes me happy.

Maybe the reason why I don’t have friends anymore is because I am a bad person. My parents have both called me a bitch on different occasions and maybe they are right. Maybe I am just a bad person and that’s why I can’t keep friends anymore. I don’t see any other reasoning but that anymore. I’m at the end of my rope and I’m so scared of my own thoughts.

Hahaha LOVE THIS

(Source: stand-up-comic-gifs, via entermystory)

I’m reaching for help by trying to make friends.  I know it makes me seem desperate, but I am.  I’m trying to help myself the best I know how.  I just don’t want to feel like I have no one to talk to.

melody-of-the-sea:

sillydodobird:

laxita2688:

sugoi-ass-prince:

expelled-from-heaven:

This is officially the best thing I have ever seen on Tumblr.

hOW DID

WHERE DID THEY FIND THE PERFECT LOCATION 

there is even a fucking sailors ship in the back!

Probably found it in Denmark,

(Source: themermaidgrotto, via xoirishprincesschristinaxo)

kushandwizdom:

Good Vibes HERE

what if my ability was to change their life in a negative way? What if I have already fulfilled that destiny, am I still needed here?

kushandwizdom:

Good Vibes HERE

what if my ability was to change their life in a negative way? What if I have already fulfilled that destiny, am I still needed here?

(Source: hqlines, via entermystory)

theeppytomymacca:

softgrungepuppy:

so my mum just came into my room and goes “i made something for you” and gives me this funny little brown book

image

and inside it she wrote

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and then on every single page she’s written something lovely like “beautiful” “funny”  ”generous” etc

image

every single page

image

this is because she found out about my self harming a few weeks ago, and wants me to have something to look at every time i feel sad

i almost cried 

parenting

you’re doing it right

As much as I love my parents, they would never do this to for me.  When they found out I wanted to kill myself, they were seemed more angry over the fact that they had to leave work early and had to come up with an excuse to tell their coworkers.  They seemed more inconvenienced than worried about my state of mind or well being.  I have scars on my arms and from cutting myself and I lie saying they are from work…even when I’m questioned about them they seem annoyed and angry over having a daughter who is unhappy.  As much as I would like to come clean and tell them how much I hurt inside, I know they wont care about the actual problem but will me more concerned about how I’m ungrateful for the good things in my life.  I know I should be happy, and I know there are 100 things to be grateful for, but when the darkness has you, it’s nearly impossible to come back.

(via entermystory)

lauramaher25:

American Horror Story: Freakshow (Season 4)

(via likeyouneverhaveknown)