Anxiety attacks are common for me. I get them a few times a week and sometimes I’m able to talk myself out of them without having to take a Xanax. Xanax is great but I don’t like depending on it, and lately I have been. I feel one coming on and based on the triggers, I know it’s easier to just pop a pill and the reaction might not be so bad.
But lately my anxiety attacks have changed. These new ones are more scary because I know their based off my real fears and demons. I can get worked up over school or relay business, but the these new attacks stem from something so dark that I worry I’ll never pull myself out. I’m terrified of what is going through my mind. I feel so alone that lately I’ve been relying on my imagination to get me though each day. I know it can’t be normal or healthy for someone my age to have imaginary friends, but I do. (On a different note I’m not worried about the healthy part. I know I’m not healthy, I’m deeply mentally disturbed and struggle every day with demons that have no face or place in my world where things should be just fine.) In my mind I have friends I know I will never have. I make up situations in my head to push me through the moment that I know will never ever happen. It scares me more that I know these moments that fill my mind are blind hopes of a world its possible I will never know again.
I don’t feel like I have friends anymore. I don’t feel like I can talk to the people I know anymore because no one will understand me. I don’t even understand me, how could anyone else? Even if they could, I’m too scared to tell them the truth, too scared to be honest because I don’t think it will change anything. I want to believe that things will get better, but will they? I feel like I’m stuck in a life where I don’t deserve to be happy. I don’t know if I even know how to be a genuinely happy person. I’m not saying I’m never happy, it happens, but it’s a situational happy, it has limits and boundaries that I cannot see. There are stipulations around my happiness that a based of what I have to give up to be in that kind of mood. I lose part of myself each time and I never know what if I’ll get it back.
My biggest fear is that I’m not strong enough for this. I’m not meant to deal with this in ways that other people are. I’m weak and I need help, but I don’t know where to turn. I feel so alone and it terrifies me. I get these thoughts in my head that scare me. I know they are wrong and terrible thoughts to have, and that only makes it worse. I’m scared that there’s going to be a day when I’m not strong enough to fight those thoughts and I’ll lose myself in ways I’ll never be able to gain back. There are a million reasons for me to be happy, but it’s physically and mentally impossible for me to get there even though I want to so bad.
I’m so tired of feeling like this. I’m tired of crying nearly everyday over emotions I cannot control or understand why I feel them. I’m feeling so many different things I don’t know how to address them properly. Which has priority? Which is going to hurt me? Which is going weigh me down while others might lift me up. I don’t want to feel like this anymore. I want to be happy again. I want to feel like I have people to talk to openly and honestly. I don’t want to be alone anymore. I don’t want to struggle with depression anymore.
I want so many things but I fear that is all in vain, it’s something I will never have again. What if this is as good as it gets. Will I be able to keep moving through the motions to help the people that I love? Or is the real question if I even deserve to be happy again?